I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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