She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
