I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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