I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
