I'm drive I can fine osifer
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
