Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
