kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
