So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
