What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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