1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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