I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i now understand why vodka
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
