We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
