How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
