never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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