Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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