My sheets look like a crime scene.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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