I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
