dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
