As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
