nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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