I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
