your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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