dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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