my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
