no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
