nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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