I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
