She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
