Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
