The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
