remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
