Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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