you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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