I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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