your parents love me but you hate me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
