i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
