His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
