I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
