The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
