the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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