hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
