I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
