Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dick very happy bro
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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