The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
