It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
