Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
