Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
