I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
