The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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