70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
