At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
