allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
