My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
