im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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