so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
