we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
