Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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