The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
