She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
