Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
