Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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